Travels with my camera

I've been deliberating whether to write everything down today, as I'm not looking for sympathy (honest) but I am feeling very low today. In fact, I sat in the garden with my morning coffee and cried my eyes out all over my Emma. If anything, I think these antidepressants seem to be having the opposite effect, or at least having no effect at all maybe. All they are doing are making me incredibly drowsy, and very lethargic. I just can't be bothered to do anything. I can't even wake up properly till lunch time. I can't remember things from one minute to the next. I can't concentrate on anything important, and I am despondent beyond belief. I look around everywhere and things need doing, things that aren't that important, but more an irritant than anything, like the back door outside is filthy. I was sitting at the bench looking at it. It's plastic, half-glazed, and every time it rains, it gets splashed with mud. It looks terrible. It would take about 2 minutes to clean, but I just sit staring at it, and think, I'll do it sometime. It's the same with everything. I said I will give the pills another week, but I really don't know if I can do that.

What started me off was on a forum yesterday, someone posted that they had lost their dog, their poorly 15 year old dog had escaped from the garden and had been missing all night. It was on medication, had been terribly ill treated as a pup, was a rescue dog that they had for 14 years, and this person was so distraught, it made me cry. So I didn't dare look again until this morning, and then I cried tears of relief - they had found her. A few posts further down, someone else reported that they had seen a boy beating his dog with it's chain lead and it screamed, so she intervened and said something quite civil, and was told to eff off bitch. I wish I hadn't read that, because the image of this poor dog, and other poor dogs the world over won't now leave my mind. I sobbed unreservedly as I hugged my own dog, she is my life, I have built my world around her, and I really don't know what I shall do the day I lose her. I am crying again now, just typing these words.

Why can't I just live for now? All I can think of is the past, how happy I was at various stages of my life, how I never appreciated what I had, and took things and people for granted. All I can think of is the future too, and am full of dread for what is inevitable. Death, pain, heartache, loneliness. If I think of the present, I can only see the evil there is in the world, the scum that are polluting our world. Why am I like this? What is causing my head to be so messed up? I didn't used to be like this, nothing ever bothered me. Now everything bothers me. I can't deal with anything logically anymore. I just keep putting things off, important things, and hope they will go away. I just don't know what the answer is for me either. I feel so very lonely sometimes, wanting to share things with someone, nice scenery, things that the birds or pets do that are comical, all the lovely places there are round here, and yet I don't want anyone, I don't want to be close to anyone again, I prefer to do my own thing, be spontaneous, do what I like, when I like. Why can't I be happy that I am doing just that?

Okay, so that was this morning. I managed to pull myself together to take Emma out, she so looks forward to it. I went to Maesycrugiau, which is my favourite place in Wales, which I have posted pictures of before on here, but today, I tried to take a few different ones. I hoped there wouldn't be anyone else there, and I was lucky. I'm not in the mood for chattering today. In fact, apart from saying Hello and Thank you to a shop assistant on Friday, I haven't spoken to anyone now since Thursday mid afternoon.

Anyway, here's some more pictures. I disturbed a heron under the bridge, it took off and parked further down river. I tried to get closer, but it went even further away, they are very timid birds aren't they? I took a photo, you can probably make it out, this camera doesn't do close-ups. Another Heron flew in and went into the top of a tree just above where this one is. Maybe they are a nesting pair, I couldn't see a nest though. I heard chiff chaffs today too, no sign of the Mistle Thrushes I saw last week. The fields of yellow dandelions are now fields of white where they have all gone to seed. I remember as a kid we used to tell the time with these - however many blows it took to get all the floating spores off, then that meant it was the time! Yeah right.

I hope I can cheer up a bit before I speak to mum on the phone shortly, she can always sense if I have a problem. She doesn't know anything about this depression, she worries to much about me as it is and all my other health problems, so she doesn't need this extra stuff.



The gorse looks lovely all in bloom.

The derelict woodcutter's cottage. When Barry and I first discovered this place about '95, we commented on how lovely it was to find something like this in the middle of nowhere that hadn't been vandalised. All the glass was intact in the windows, you could open the door and look inside, and there were still benches, chairs etc, it was like a time-warp. Sadly now, the scum have found the place and wrecked it.

The rapids

The Heron

My favourite bridge again.

I took little Graham with me for a run out. He's made lots of new friends with all the other little toys I have on my car dashboard. Taking this photo is about the only thing that's made me smile today!