Travels with my camera

My day so far

5.40 am Woke up and had to go for a wee, Emma then wanted to go for a wee. Got back in bed and tried to go off to sleep again

7.30 am Woke up again, turned light on to see what the time was. Turned it off again, still pitch black, then my mobile went with a text. Thanks nic. Went and made a coffee, let Diddles into the kitchen with the light on. Non stop crowing. Got back in bed and did my normal stuff on the laptop, quizzes, looked at the blogs and the two forums I use mainly.

8.30 am Went and made another coffee, and took my pills. Carried on with the laptop.

9.10 am Went and got my bowl of Branflakes. Gave the guinea pigs their cucumber, uncovered the budgies and did their seed and water. Got back into bed and ate my branflakes. Looked out the window, still half dark, grey and miserable. Snuggled back under the covers and cried my eyes out.

10.15 am Got up and dressed. Went out and did my aviary birds, and the wild birds. Came back in and made another coffee and videoed Emma opening her presents. Even she didn't seem too enthusiastic this year though. I then opened my four. Nice useful things from my mum and my friend Irene.

11.30 am Swept the kitchen floor. Did last nights washing up. Stood at the sink and cried my eyes out again

1.15 pm Decided to take Emma for her walk, so I could sit and relax for the afternoon and watch the telly. I couldn't believe my eyes as I went out to the car, there was a bloke walking up the road in shorts and a tee shirt! (it's grey, and freezing cold - 2c!) Even more amazing was I then saw him round the Spar Shop and looking in disbelief because it was shut! Some people are bloody amazing arent they? Why the hell do people need to buy things on Christmas day? The people who run shops are obviously meant to be open 24/7 365 days according to some people then, so he can buy a pack of beer or some fags I expect.

1.30 pm Got to the park, having only passed 2 other cars on the whole journey. I felt ever more of a saddo, everyone else was either down the pub with their mates, or at home with their families or friends, having their Christmas dinners, and having a great time, and there's me, doing the same stuff as I do every other day of the year, taking the dog out on my own. Walked round with Emma, nobody else there at all. Cut across halfway because Em still isn't wanting to walk that far because of her dodgy shoulder. There were three huge piles of feathers, then I found the carcass of what was once a collared dove. All I could hear then was another one, calling and calling and calling. Really cheered me up that did. They pair for life, he or she isn't going to have its mate to snuggle up with in the cold tonight. Had another cry, couldn't even see to get back to the car properly. Had to dry Emma quickly with the towel as another car was coming down the drive, and I wanted to get away before they stopped and maybe spoke to me. Not in the mood for conversation. I remember three years ago, I went from 11am Christmas morning when I spoke to mum on the phone until mid afternoon on the 28th December before I spoke to anyone. That's my all time record for not speaking to anyone.

2.15 Got home and made my cuppa soup and toast, same lunch as I have every day if I'm home. Sat down with the telly on, nothing I want to see, but I shall make the effort now and watch my Pirates of the Caribbean II video I think.

Well that sums it up so far. I haven't posted this for sympathy. I don't know why I've posted it at all really. I have a split personality you see. Most times I try to appear happy, witty, intelligent, and full of fun. But occasionally my other side comes to the surface. Today was one of those days. When I feel resentful, envious, dissatisfied with my life. Lonely I suppose. I know I have a lot to be thankful for compared with a lot of people, I have a nice home, a few good friends, enough money to get things to be fairly comfortable. But I wanted so much more out of life. Why me? Why couldn't I have been normal and met the man of my dreams in my twenties, and had 2.4 children, and now have grandchildren and family around me? What did I ever do that was so bad, so different to other people? I see stuff on tv and think, yeah I want to do that. Instead, I am stuck here, life passing me by, living the life of an OAP 15 years too early. My life is shopping and taking the dog out, and coming on here.

Sorry for this post, but for once I wanted to tell it like it is, haven't felt this bad for a while now, it will pass, and I will be back to normal, whatever that is.